Recently, I was out with a friend that wasn't always a big fan of me. While we were out we got to talking and she mentioned how we are good friends now because I have grown so much in the last years. I have been thinking a lot lately about growth. What exactly does that mean? Is it about turning into what people think is appropriate for you or actually turning into the person that you are supposed to be?

I do understand what people mean when they say that I have grown. I can feel it. I know I have changed and grown and become a better member to society but, I also feel like I fuck up all the time. Before it didn't seem to matter to me that I cared to do something one way or another - now, I always think about how I am going to be perceived. Will this move me back down the scale of "growth?"

I have been a crying sap lately and quite literally cry at the drop of a hat. In looking back it is easy to see all the missed opportunities and regrets that slowly come to the top with age. I hear people talk about not having regrets in life - I feel like I have so many. I will be thirty soon and I am so excited about getting older and my life is definitely not where I thought it would be right now - the life I long for isn't even on the horizon. I look around at all of these people in the world and wonder how they got the life I have wanted - and for some, it comes so easily.

I don't ever regret where I am in my life right now nor the path I have chosen to follow. I long for my future and for what life has to offer me. I think it is time for me to shed the self doubt and put myself out there - take life in my hands and make it what I want. It isn't going to be an easy road but, at least the road will be mine.

Sometimes you have to just wake up and laugh. I have been finding myself waking up in the mornings and laughing a bit and just thinking, "What the Fuck?" Yes, capital F.

I have spent the last couple of days reflecting on the last couple of months. A lot of things have changed and have occurred that put me mentally in a weird place. What a couple of months - a series of ups and downs and a series of moments that make one think, did that really happen? Is this really my life right now?

I have no idea what is in store for me and I have no idea where my God sees me in the future but, he has definitely created one messed up scavenger hunt for me lately!

Many Steps Forward....

That can be erased with just moments in time. Damn it if it doesn't just come flowing back. My song for the day:



Around here, it's the hardest time of year
Waking up, the days are even gone
The collar of my coat
Lord help me, cannot help the cold
The raindrops sting my eyes
I keep them closed.

But I'm feelin' no pain
I'm a little lonely and my quietest friend
Have I the moonlight? Have I let you in?
Say it aint so, say I'm happy again

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes

Let it bend before it breaks

I'm all right.
Don't I seem to be?
Aren't I swinging on the stars?
Don't I wear them on my sleeve?
When you're looking for a crossroads,
It happens every day
And whichever way you turn,
I'm gonna turn the other way

Say it's over,say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes

Let it bend before it breaks

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes

Learn it bend before it breaks

The Trends of Life

I have a horrible pattern in my life. I have looked back and realized that every 5 years I tend to shead the friends that I have in my life and completely change the group that I am travelling through life with. While this allows for growth and for new ideas, I have found myself as someone who does not have a lot of close friends who have known me for sometime - and more importantly, have been around long enough to brake through the shell in order to see "me."

In so many ways I am not a very good friend. I keep myself sheltered, unable to open up the way that needs to happen in order to reciprocate true feeling. I end up with a lot of acquaintences which is ironic because all I have wanted in my life are those people to rely on. Those people that will be there and stand by you no matter what.

I was speaking with a friend the other night and I mentioned how she has lived through the "5 year curse" and that I was happy she was still in my life. I began to look around and realize that there are a handful of people that have fallen into this category and these people are so special in my life right now. Maybe with age comes the growth to learn how to give and learn how to open up. Maybe self reflection allows one to tunnel into those feelings so that they can surface around others.

Last night I sat around a bonfire with two people that have really been instrumental in this change and mean more to me than they would ever know. They turned to me last night and told me that they know I have been trying really hard to open up and to be that person and that they have seen the change but, they weren't going to let me stop there. They weren't going to let me run away anymore. They are in my life and they are in it to stay. I don't even understand when my life changed to where I got so lucky to have these people care so much.

So lucky to have these people...

Change is in the air

There is change in the air. I have been feeling it for a couple of months now and am just wondering how this is going to manifest itself. It is a weird feeling knowing something big is coming along. Like seeing headlights off in the distance on a dark road - not sure of how far away it is but at some point it is going to crash right into you.

A couple of months ago I had a time period where I felt nothing. Literally nothing. I would lay in bed analyzing my body just laying there feeling nothing. Emotionally at that time I felt no future, could see no future. I wouldn't necessarily call this a depression - I have been there before - this was a feeling that I have never in my life felt. Then one day, weeks later, I woke up and felt. Felt like I have never felt before. A change had happened and a significant one. My outlook on life had changed - my hope had changed - I even physically didn't have the same problems I had before, for example, my stomach no longer constantly hurt.

I have talked this over with several people and trying to see the reasoning, trying to understand the significance of this change. No one seems to be able to explain why it happened but the significance is not lost. The general concensus - something big is coming.

I am on this road and I am along for the ride - there is no turning back now. What I have realized, I am no longer speeding down this road. I am allowing myself to take in the scenery - to be an active participant in my life. I have begun allowing people in and have come to realize that I am not on this journey alone. Who knows when this event will happen but, I am not scared. I can't wait for it to happen but I am allowing it to happen in its own time.

Everything in its own time...

What a difference a week can make

I left town a couple of weeks ago and went to Colorado for my brother Rob's wedding. He is turning 40 this year and is marrying a phenomenal woman. This is his first marriage and while he is quite the catch, those of us in the family never thought this day would happen.

I left Portland, a mess of nerves and anxiety, not really sure what the week would hold for me and really dreading everything that comes with travelling. It is interesting because I love to travel, I love to see new things and I love to go places and am quite adventerous. I just wish that this didn't involve air travel. Alas, I made it to Colorado safely and began my trip which normally consists of me acting somewhat like a different person, being continuously in a state of hung over, and my anxiety going through the roof because all I want is my couch and my house and my car and....you get the point.

To say that the beginning of this trip started out unexpected was an understatement. I flew out early for all the wedding activities which was to include a bachelorette party and general craziness until we moved to our home away from home, a winery in Grand Junction, Colorado. To my surprise, and a few unfortunate accidents, I got the pleasure of spending the first 3 days of my trip with my mom and my sisters - the Vonau women on the prowl. We ate together, we drank together, but most importantly we talked and we bonded and we shared some of the most free time I have had with these women - completely relaxed, no grudges being held, and just genuine joy to be around one another.

We then went out to Grand Junction and we spend 5 days at a winery with basically just the family. My family is traditionally a close family and we spend all of our time together but, this felt different, this felt more real. We played our games, came and went during the day, and spent time enjoying the company that we could provide in this small town. The surroundings didn't hurt at all. We stayed at a quiant winery on the base of the cliffs. There were 10 rooms which we occupied which were above the general meeting area and they made us feel at home. Fully stocked fridge and free wine tasting every afternoon gave us a schedule that screamed vacation and relaxation.

This culminated with the wedding of my brother which in so many ways was the most surreal moment I have ever had. I have idolized this man since I was young and here he is finding his ultimate dream. They asked me to speak at the wedding and the overwhelming feeling that I got and had to convey was how special this relationship was that we were witnessing and how special these two souls are. I think I can honestly say, that as an adult, I have only witnessed this kind of partnership a hand full of times and it gives me chills to think about.

I have been overcome with insomnia the last few weeks - not the fun kind where you can get out of bed and be productive or the kind where you can lie around and daydream but the kind that sits with you and fills you mind with unending thought. I find my mind running lately and unable to stop. Oddly, it is not about anything in the present but it is overwhelmed with the past.

I recently have found myself feeling incredibly hurt and heartbroken about things that I have lost, about people that are no longer in my life, and about situations that could have ended differently but ended so abruptly and are so final. I long for so many feelings and so many relationships that I have had in the past that it breaks my heart and can quite literally bring me to tears at any point of the day.

I have never been one to forgive or get over very easily. I hold on so tightly that I inevitably force the end of whatever relationship I could possibly have. I don't know how to change this and I don't know how to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made in the past, let alone forgive others for actions that were done. Whether it is 2, 6, or 15 years in the past I still long as desperately for that feeling as I did at the time. The saddest part is that I know, even if I were to be in that presence again, time has changed us all and it would never be the same - it could never be the same. I find myself haunted by the ghosts of these memories and by the younger versions of ourselves and find myself making the same mistakes over and over again so that the longing becomes greater and greater.

I was listening to music today while I was working - formatting labels to be exact - and a lyric caught my attention, "Time keeps burning the wheels keep turning sometimes I feel I am wasting my day." Now this song is about someone travelling who misses their love but, this line has stuck with me for most of the day and keeps running through my mind.

You know those feelings that you are meant to do something more. That what you are doing now is just a pathway to the future you who will have some bigger place in the world. I feel that way. I feel that way a lot. It makes me wonder if that feeling is just something out there or if it will come to fruition and if it does, how will this day, this moment, this time spent formatting labels play into my future self.

I have been trying to force myself to be patient lately. I am sitting back and enjoying this life that has been given to me. Surprisingly, my anxiety and panic attacks have gone done but, I am getting that itch to start expecting more. I wonder how much of our reality is created by fighting for it and how much is created just because. If I don't pursue greatness, does that mean that greatness will never enter into my life?

The restlessness is making me become more introverted. Making me really question my current situation and question my true intentions and my true motivations. A change is coming - a huge change - and I am not sure what it is or where it may come from but, it is coming whether I like it or not and I am ready for a change. There is so much that I want to pursue in my life that the statement, "maybe you just weren't made for ________" fill in the blank, whatever it is, is not an option for me.

Unfortunately, I feel this is just one of those things that I have to sit back and wait for it to hit me - there is no amount of pushing that I can do to make this happen any faster.

Time to Start Again

There are certain times in ones life where the realization is come to that staying the course is no longer an option.

I ran into some old friends last night and had the opportunity to share a brief moment of conversation. For the most part, I love these moments. It was wonderful seeing them and wonderful seeing that their life had led them in such a great direction.

Today I have been lost in my head and have been thinking about my path in life. This seems to be a constant struggle for me - always having the feeling that I am meant for so much more but the direction is never clear. Always restless, always looking for something new. Ironically, even though there is a restless feeling, I never seem to make any huge changes in my life. So, baby steps...I will start writing again.

I looked through my previous blog posts and felt so removed from that person, who I was at that time. My truth has changed to dramatically through this last year that I am not even sure that person would recognize the person I am today. It is quite refreshing to feel so emotionally confident and so "alright."

I went to the Melissa Ferrick show last night and as always I came out of it very much in my head and stuck in thought. The interesting part about leaving this show and the thought that has consumed me is that in the past, I use to connect so strongly to her words. In looking back, I cannot remember a time that I was not in a state of getting over someone or fighting to keep the wrong one around. Constantly giving up myself for the benefit of momentary show of affection from someone that will take it back as quickly as it was given. I have been emotionally broken for most of my life - not by others, but by myself. I never allowed myself that freedom to live, be, love like I wanted or like I deserved. These time taught me so much and have allowed me to look back with clarity and really become self-aware of where I am now.

I left the show last night, not connected like I use to be. Not on the verge of tears constantly and unable to pull myself up for days, weeks. I realized last night that I am happy. I am truly, for maybe the first time in my life, happy. Not everything is perfect and not everything is in place but, I don't need to control that anymore.

I wonder about my path and I wonder about my direction in this life. I realized that while I can see the changes in my life, it is time to start making something tangible out of it all - time to start making those changes that when I run into people they leave thinking - wow, she really made it happen for herself. It may sounds silly but, it is time to start listening to the world because the opportunity is out there - I just need to be willing to make the jump. Luckily, I now know I can make that jump.