Recently, I was out with a friend that wasn't always a big fan of me. While we were out we got to talking and she mentioned how we are good friends now because I have grown so much in the last years. I have been thinking a lot lately about growth. What exactly does that mean? Is it about turning into what people think is appropriate for you or actually turning into the person that you are supposed to be?

I do understand what people mean when they say that I have grown. I can feel it. I know I have changed and grown and become a better member to society but, I also feel like I fuck up all the time. Before it didn't seem to matter to me that I cared to do something one way or another - now, I always think about how I am going to be perceived. Will this move me back down the scale of "growth?"

I have been a crying sap lately and quite literally cry at the drop of a hat. In looking back it is easy to see all the missed opportunities and regrets that slowly come to the top with age. I hear people talk about not having regrets in life - I feel like I have so many. I will be thirty soon and I am so excited about getting older and my life is definitely not where I thought it would be right now - the life I long for isn't even on the horizon. I look around at all of these people in the world and wonder how they got the life I have wanted - and for some, it comes so easily.

I don't ever regret where I am in my life right now nor the path I have chosen to follow. I long for my future and for what life has to offer me. I think it is time for me to shed the self doubt and put myself out there - take life in my hands and make it what I want. It isn't going to be an easy road but, at least the road will be mine.

Sometimes you have to just wake up and laugh. I have been finding myself waking up in the mornings and laughing a bit and just thinking, "What the Fuck?" Yes, capital F.

I have spent the last couple of days reflecting on the last couple of months. A lot of things have changed and have occurred that put me mentally in a weird place. What a couple of months - a series of ups and downs and a series of moments that make one think, did that really happen? Is this really my life right now?

I have no idea what is in store for me and I have no idea where my God sees me in the future but, he has definitely created one messed up scavenger hunt for me lately!

Many Steps Forward....

That can be erased with just moments in time. Damn it if it doesn't just come flowing back. My song for the day:



Around here, it's the hardest time of year
Waking up, the days are even gone
The collar of my coat
Lord help me, cannot help the cold
The raindrops sting my eyes
I keep them closed.

But I'm feelin' no pain
I'm a little lonely and my quietest friend
Have I the moonlight? Have I let you in?
Say it aint so, say I'm happy again

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes

Let it bend before it breaks

I'm all right.
Don't I seem to be?
Aren't I swinging on the stars?
Don't I wear them on my sleeve?
When you're looking for a crossroads,
It happens every day
And whichever way you turn,
I'm gonna turn the other way

Say it's over,say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes

Let it bend before it breaks

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes

Learn it bend before it breaks