I have been overcome with insomnia the last few weeks - not the fun kind where you can get out of bed and be productive or the kind where you can lie around and daydream but the kind that sits with you and fills you mind with unending thought. I find my mind running lately and unable to stop. Oddly, it is not about anything in the present but it is overwhelmed with the past.
I recently have found myself feeling incredibly hurt and heartbroken about things that I have lost, about people that are no longer in my life, and about situations that could have ended differently but ended so abruptly and are so final. I long for so many feelings and so many relationships that I have had in the past that it breaks my heart and can quite literally bring me to tears at any point of the day.
I have never been one to forgive or get over very easily. I hold on so tightly that I inevitably force the end of whatever relationship I could possibly have. I don't know how to change this and I don't know how to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made in the past, let alone forgive others for actions that were done. Whether it is 2, 6, or 15 years in the past I still long as desperately for that feeling as I did at the time. The saddest part is that I know, even if I were to be in that presence again, time has changed us all and it would never be the same - it could never be the same. I find myself haunted by the ghosts of these memories and by the younger versions of ourselves and find myself making the same mistakes over and over again so that the longing becomes greater and greater.
About Me
1 comment:
i've been trying for what feels like months now to find the words to describe how i'm feeling . . i've started to notice how i reference the past in my mind and aloud to others- what i looked like, how i felt, who i knew, what i did, everything. i can't let go of it, i find a strange comfort and pain in it all. the mixture of happiness and sorrow for what i had and what i've lost, it's all the same. i see pictures of things i'd created in the past, i hope they still exist and with a certain bitterness i could not argue their removal, who i was then has been removed in order for who i am now to exist. but, something about that person i was, something i remember just seems better than the person i've become. i feel without. like i am missing something, and i cannot bring myself to acknowledge whatever i may have gained to get where i am now, mind, body, soul as being positive. i'm not sure how to describe my discontent, i'm not sure i understand it . . fully if at all.
i guess, i mean to say i understand how you're feeling. i wish you all the luck and strength in climbing this mountain.
Post a Comment