The Trends of Life

I have a horrible pattern in my life. I have looked back and realized that every 5 years I tend to shead the friends that I have in my life and completely change the group that I am travelling through life with. While this allows for growth and for new ideas, I have found myself as someone who does not have a lot of close friends who have known me for sometime - and more importantly, have been around long enough to brake through the shell in order to see "me."

In so many ways I am not a very good friend. I keep myself sheltered, unable to open up the way that needs to happen in order to reciprocate true feeling. I end up with a lot of acquaintences which is ironic because all I have wanted in my life are those people to rely on. Those people that will be there and stand by you no matter what.

I was speaking with a friend the other night and I mentioned how she has lived through the "5 year curse" and that I was happy she was still in my life. I began to look around and realize that there are a handful of people that have fallen into this category and these people are so special in my life right now. Maybe with age comes the growth to learn how to give and learn how to open up. Maybe self reflection allows one to tunnel into those feelings so that they can surface around others.

Last night I sat around a bonfire with two people that have really been instrumental in this change and mean more to me than they would ever know. They turned to me last night and told me that they know I have been trying really hard to open up and to be that person and that they have seen the change but, they weren't going to let me stop there. They weren't going to let me run away anymore. They are in my life and they are in it to stay. I don't even understand when my life changed to where I got so lucky to have these people care so much.

So lucky to have these people...

Change is in the air

There is change in the air. I have been feeling it for a couple of months now and am just wondering how this is going to manifest itself. It is a weird feeling knowing something big is coming along. Like seeing headlights off in the distance on a dark road - not sure of how far away it is but at some point it is going to crash right into you.

A couple of months ago I had a time period where I felt nothing. Literally nothing. I would lay in bed analyzing my body just laying there feeling nothing. Emotionally at that time I felt no future, could see no future. I wouldn't necessarily call this a depression - I have been there before - this was a feeling that I have never in my life felt. Then one day, weeks later, I woke up and felt. Felt like I have never felt before. A change had happened and a significant one. My outlook on life had changed - my hope had changed - I even physically didn't have the same problems I had before, for example, my stomach no longer constantly hurt.

I have talked this over with several people and trying to see the reasoning, trying to understand the significance of this change. No one seems to be able to explain why it happened but the significance is not lost. The general concensus - something big is coming.

I am on this road and I am along for the ride - there is no turning back now. What I have realized, I am no longer speeding down this road. I am allowing myself to take in the scenery - to be an active participant in my life. I have begun allowing people in and have come to realize that I am not on this journey alone. Who knows when this event will happen but, I am not scared. I can't wait for it to happen but I am allowing it to happen in its own time.

Everything in its own time...

What a difference a week can make

I left town a couple of weeks ago and went to Colorado for my brother Rob's wedding. He is turning 40 this year and is marrying a phenomenal woman. This is his first marriage and while he is quite the catch, those of us in the family never thought this day would happen.

I left Portland, a mess of nerves and anxiety, not really sure what the week would hold for me and really dreading everything that comes with travelling. It is interesting because I love to travel, I love to see new things and I love to go places and am quite adventerous. I just wish that this didn't involve air travel. Alas, I made it to Colorado safely and began my trip which normally consists of me acting somewhat like a different person, being continuously in a state of hung over, and my anxiety going through the roof because all I want is my couch and my house and my car and....you get the point.

To say that the beginning of this trip started out unexpected was an understatement. I flew out early for all the wedding activities which was to include a bachelorette party and general craziness until we moved to our home away from home, a winery in Grand Junction, Colorado. To my surprise, and a few unfortunate accidents, I got the pleasure of spending the first 3 days of my trip with my mom and my sisters - the Vonau women on the prowl. We ate together, we drank together, but most importantly we talked and we bonded and we shared some of the most free time I have had with these women - completely relaxed, no grudges being held, and just genuine joy to be around one another.

We then went out to Grand Junction and we spend 5 days at a winery with basically just the family. My family is traditionally a close family and we spend all of our time together but, this felt different, this felt more real. We played our games, came and went during the day, and spent time enjoying the company that we could provide in this small town. The surroundings didn't hurt at all. We stayed at a quiant winery on the base of the cliffs. There were 10 rooms which we occupied which were above the general meeting area and they made us feel at home. Fully stocked fridge and free wine tasting every afternoon gave us a schedule that screamed vacation and relaxation.

This culminated with the wedding of my brother which in so many ways was the most surreal moment I have ever had. I have idolized this man since I was young and here he is finding his ultimate dream. They asked me to speak at the wedding and the overwhelming feeling that I got and had to convey was how special this relationship was that we were witnessing and how special these two souls are. I think I can honestly say, that as an adult, I have only witnessed this kind of partnership a hand full of times and it gives me chills to think about.