Recently, I was out with a friend that wasn't always a big fan of me. While we were out we got to talking and she mentioned how we are good friends now because I have grown so much in the last years. I have been thinking a lot lately about growth. What exactly does that mean? Is it about turning into what people think is appropriate for you or actually turning into the person that you are supposed to be?

I do understand what people mean when they say that I have grown. I can feel it. I know I have changed and grown and become a better member to society but, I also feel like I fuck up all the time. Before it didn't seem to matter to me that I cared to do something one way or another - now, I always think about how I am going to be perceived. Will this move me back down the scale of "growth?"

I have been a crying sap lately and quite literally cry at the drop of a hat. In looking back it is easy to see all the missed opportunities and regrets that slowly come to the top with age. I hear people talk about not having regrets in life - I feel like I have so many. I will be thirty soon and I am so excited about getting older and my life is definitely not where I thought it would be right now - the life I long for isn't even on the horizon. I look around at all of these people in the world and wonder how they got the life I have wanted - and for some, it comes so easily.

I don't ever regret where I am in my life right now nor the path I have chosen to follow. I long for my future and for what life has to offer me. I think it is time for me to shed the self doubt and put myself out there - take life in my hands and make it what I want. It isn't going to be an easy road but, at least the road will be mine.