I was listening to music today while I was working - formatting labels to be exact - and a lyric caught my attention, "Time keeps burning the wheels keep turning sometimes I feel I am wasting my day." Now this song is about someone travelling who misses their love but, this line has stuck with me for most of the day and keeps running through my mind.

You know those feelings that you are meant to do something more. That what you are doing now is just a pathway to the future you who will have some bigger place in the world. I feel that way. I feel that way a lot. It makes me wonder if that feeling is just something out there or if it will come to fruition and if it does, how will this day, this moment, this time spent formatting labels play into my future self.

I have been trying to force myself to be patient lately. I am sitting back and enjoying this life that has been given to me. Surprisingly, my anxiety and panic attacks have gone done but, I am getting that itch to start expecting more. I wonder how much of our reality is created by fighting for it and how much is created just because. If I don't pursue greatness, does that mean that greatness will never enter into my life?

The restlessness is making me become more introverted. Making me really question my current situation and question my true intentions and my true motivations. A change is coming - a huge change - and I am not sure what it is or where it may come from but, it is coming whether I like it or not and I am ready for a change. There is so much that I want to pursue in my life that the statement, "maybe you just weren't made for ________" fill in the blank, whatever it is, is not an option for me.

Unfortunately, I feel this is just one of those things that I have to sit back and wait for it to hit me - there is no amount of pushing that I can do to make this happen any faster.

Time to Start Again

There are certain times in ones life where the realization is come to that staying the course is no longer an option.

I ran into some old friends last night and had the opportunity to share a brief moment of conversation. For the most part, I love these moments. It was wonderful seeing them and wonderful seeing that their life had led them in such a great direction.

Today I have been lost in my head and have been thinking about my path in life. This seems to be a constant struggle for me - always having the feeling that I am meant for so much more but the direction is never clear. Always restless, always looking for something new. Ironically, even though there is a restless feeling, I never seem to make any huge changes in my life. So, baby steps...I will start writing again.

I looked through my previous blog posts and felt so removed from that person, who I was at that time. My truth has changed to dramatically through this last year that I am not even sure that person would recognize the person I am today. It is quite refreshing to feel so emotionally confident and so "alright."

I went to the Melissa Ferrick show last night and as always I came out of it very much in my head and stuck in thought. The interesting part about leaving this show and the thought that has consumed me is that in the past, I use to connect so strongly to her words. In looking back, I cannot remember a time that I was not in a state of getting over someone or fighting to keep the wrong one around. Constantly giving up myself for the benefit of momentary show of affection from someone that will take it back as quickly as it was given. I have been emotionally broken for most of my life - not by others, but by myself. I never allowed myself that freedom to live, be, love like I wanted or like I deserved. These time taught me so much and have allowed me to look back with clarity and really become self-aware of where I am now.

I left the show last night, not connected like I use to be. Not on the verge of tears constantly and unable to pull myself up for days, weeks. I realized last night that I am happy. I am truly, for maybe the first time in my life, happy. Not everything is perfect and not everything is in place but, I don't need to control that anymore.

I wonder about my path and I wonder about my direction in this life. I realized that while I can see the changes in my life, it is time to start making something tangible out of it all - time to start making those changes that when I run into people they leave thinking - wow, she really made it happen for herself. It may sounds silly but, it is time to start listening to the world because the opportunity is out there - I just need to be willing to make the jump. Luckily, I now know I can make that jump.